every sunday afternoon, you'll find me at tampines central hanging out with the churchies after mass and church commitments in the morning, for lunch.

today i spent the walk home from central, trying to contain my anger. so again this blog has found a use, as an outlet for my anger.

why am i trying to push a project through when it wasn't even my idea in the first place?
why am i sacrificing my time and perhaps opportunity to go out party, and have fun, for an idea that wasn't even my own.
where are those who proposed it? came up with the idea?
why can't they even offer me a reasonable explanation why they can't commit.
sorry, i meant no explanation at all.

can you imagine how daunting it is? to actually be alone, when people claim to be your 'friends', when other people birthed the idea, and yet i'm the one having to ask whether they are coming down, having to push it through.

sheer irresponsibiliy.it is the curse of many of my batchmates: great minds but lazy bodies, as how someone close to me put it.

all the talk about living the dream, walking the talk, even singing the damn songs. at this point in time i'm inclined to think most people don't mean it. other than the core group of people who are actually willing to live the mission, i think a lot of the rest are just bags of hot air. leaders, yeah right. 4 years in sji and you dare call yourself a leader in the sji tradition, if you're self-serving, narrow-minded, and facile. the very people you criticised these past years are the very people who actually commit their time.

so tell me, who lives the dream.
so who actually walks away from those camps, living the mission, instead of just criticising how useless and irrelevant the 7 habits are, and how the camp is too long-drawn?

only a rare few. only the intransigent rare few, with the doggedness to continue living the dream.

when it comes down to the very foundation of things, to be selfless, are you there?
or have you taken flight already?
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A Neverwhere Muse will be discontinued until further notice.
Ian has gone on his own writer's strike. (damn shit i wanna watch heroes season 3)

actually the blog's just on hiatus until there's a use for it again.
and i'm getting really busy.

and just so you guys out there now, i'm having a great time at sjii. (:
i'm just taking things naturally, and letting the will of the One above take course.
and it's been working out i guess.
and of course it doesn't hurt to take a step back and take stock a few times a week..


say hi to my second home for the next two years !
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ah. beautiful night!
the aroma from the brazil cerrado sean lui got for me for christmas is wafting through the room. (thanks sean!)
i've got my music (currently you wanna make a memory by bon jovi), a good book, and my comfy bed.

now, i only need orange lights to comeplete the perfect picture in my head!

whew. smell, sound, touch, taste, sight. SHIOK! i must learn to recharge during the new school year! :D

ah morning mass tmr. wander how the churchies will react to the dare eugene put me up to.

ah, night!
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right, so here i am, on one of those morning, lucid, blogging, and painfully awake.
week has an interesting one.
received my gold lla cert.
rotted at home while everyone started getting into orientation for jcs.
got my laptop for the next few years. it's for taking notes, playing games, chatting, music etc (i'm a heavy user)(yes, i want better graphics for my games, and not have to wait an eternity for word to load)(i dont want to come home to face a desktop that BSODs (blue screen of death) on average five times a day)(had enough running computer maintenance programs)(and yes i like that shiny new vista interface :D)(and SHIOK WoW graphics!)(and yes hdd memory which i have a serious dearth of).
went to sjii for orientation, got to know a few people, teachers, and my subject combination.
gonna take higher level english, econs, and chem, and standard level bio, maths and chinese.
CHINESE! getting b3 was a BLOODY waste of time.
had a placement test for chinese on thursday, where i had to choose from 3 topics and write a a shorter than normal essay for it. so i decided hey, i'm not gonna pretend i have excellent command of chinese, i'm just gonna write what i think, irregardless of the bad grammar and all.
and waddya know!
i have to take chinese b standard level.
so in the IB, you have the chinese a2 higher level and standard level, and chinese b higher level and standard level.
the a2 course is more demanding and would assume that you're taking chinese as a second fluent language ie. you are effectively bilingual and able to read and write proficiently in both, whereas the b course is just to help you communicate proficiently in chinese. i can't take the b higher level, because i already have 3 higher levels.
so although i know my standard of chinese isnt fantastic, i'm feeling quite shortchanged right now, i mean i put in so much damn effort for chinese during the last stretch! i know i'll communicate more fluently with mainland chinese since im focussing more on communicating effectively, but still 10 years of chinese only to be told you cant study study chinese lietrature is a bit of a letdown. and i don't get to complete a bilingual diploma, which carries a certain amount of prestige.

oh well. so school starts on monday. i personally cant wait to have a theory of knowledge lesson, it's like a beginner's course in philosophy. reading sophie's world right now. it's a novel about a girl who receives a course in philosophy from a dodgy philosopher via post, while at the same time giving the reader a brief history of philosophy. sophists, rationalists, empiricists, pantheists, monotheists, existentialists, materialists, spiritualists, you name it, it's explained briefly. what's cool however is that it covers metafiction! (check wiki and think the matrix)

so lots of free time + book on philosophy = disastrous time thinking too much about things

which sucks really. i know im having a weird train of thought, linking this to that and all. (i've just realised my train of thought isnt coherent at all to others sometimes) so yeah. my blog. my train of thought. shush.

i really looking forward to starting school and all, i mean i spent the past two years maybe just forgetting myself, and losing myself somewhat to get out of my comfort zone and to try new things, connect with new kinds of people. but i'm not sure it's the ian i recognise. i mean in my mind i have a very clear sense of what i like myself to be. principled, hardworking, caring, inquiring, responsible. but in a lot of ways i find myself lacking in these departments. i mean i might actually just be more lacking in this than when i was in sec 2? absurd? i think not. a lot more priorities come into play at sec 3 and sec 4, and keeping yourself grounded, and not losing sight of whats so dear and important: that is a challenge. on the other hand i can say i came out of the past two years with a more acute feeling of who i am and what i do, and perhaps a more stringent yardstick to measure myself by. i really want to make the next two years work for me.

on ther other hand, there are things i've been trying to forget, but funny you think, these animals i like to call memories are evading release. can you believe it? animals evading release? and why would i liken memories to animals? the fact that they're so volatile so unpredictable is why. how they can be so hard to recall during an exam. how they can be so unwilling to just be buried or erased. or how somehow they become sketchy. im trying to let this particular memory go. why? for one, it's only making me pissed. two, i think the unpleasantness of the memory far outweighs the pleasant. three, i'm sick and tired of being the nice one. four, i'm just tired. this particular memory has too many unfulfilled things, too many broken promises, too many old hurts to be worth keeping. still, that faint glimmer of optimism and hope keeps me hanging on to the memory. i might be excessively sentimental or reflective sometimes, but it's nothing to be apologetic about, it's part of me. so, maybe, just maybe, i'll merge necessity with sentimentality, and maybe bring an end to the memory and not just leave it hanging like an abrupt pseudo-end that doesn't quite bring finality to the history of the memory. how it's gonna take form, i have no idea.

night.
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What really seperates a new year from the old?
A second?
A millisecond?
A nanosecond?

That barrier between 2007 and 2008,
you never quite know the exact and discrete value for when it changes into 2008 if you want to think about it.
all those television countdowns never quite nail it.

i find it quite magical really.
in the blink of an eye you're given a chance to start everything anew.

2007 was excellent. for me the amount of emotions, self-discovery, and things that really left a deep imprint on me would take a whole book to do it justice. it was just so eventful.

there are a lot of things i regret, but hey, life's colourful that way innit? one big kaleidoscope that effs you up sometimes.

well, enough said about the year, really thankful to God the way 2007 did happen.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

you never know if you don't go (and try)
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