there are things in life you'll look back on ten, twenty, years down the road, and regret you didn't do.
it might even happen tomorrow.
these choices present themselves like a diamond, you can see them through so many facets, but eventually only a few of the facets wil glint and catch your eye.
there are choices i make now, that i know i will look back and regret not doing. yet, my current frame of mind doesn't allow to do these sort of things. call it indecision, call it stupidity, or ignorance, i call it experience.
i distance myself from some people to prevent myself from getting hurt. i've been talking a lot with people close to me lately, and i realise a lot of the flaws, or out-of-the-blue things i do sometimes are really just imprints left behind by what happened to me when i was younger.
slowly, i'm beginning to realise which set of repeated incidents caused the flaws i sometimes see in myself. a number of these were a direct result of one person, and while there were only good intentions involved, i'd have to say there was a certain amount of pride and insecurity involved. which man wants to have his ego burst by a pinprick? which man doesn't a modicum of achievement to show off?
parents are humans too. sometimes they do things not because they love us, but sometimes really, we're bragging rights, but they're not perfect. and on that basis, neither are we, their so dearly beloved.
i make a choice to regret by not doing something now, but i'm also making a choice to safeguard my now, and to safeguard my future. do not blame me for this, just like no man wants his ego gone at the touch of a pinprick, no normal human revels in pain.
If God takes you to it, he will take you through it. If you commit, you commit, no two ways about it. If it's meant to be, you shouldn't fret about it.
I've been worrying too much about too little.
PSF farewell party for Mr Wong this saturday, something to look forward to! This week has been so dreary.
Thinking about cycling to VJC actually brought up this song, Bertrand was singing it in class, haha.
Bicycle bicycle bicycle I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle I want to ride my bicycle I want to ride my bike I want to ride my bicycle I want to ride it where I like
You say black I say white You say bark I say bite You say shark I say hey man Jaws was never my scene And I don't like Star Wars You say Rolls I say Royce You say God give me a choice You say Lord I say Christ I don't believe in Peter Pan Frankenstein or Superman All I wanna do is
Bicycle bicycle bicycle I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle I want to ride my bicycle I want to ride my bike I want to ride my bicycle I want to ride my Bicycle races are coming your way So forget all your duties oh yeah! Fat bottomed girls they'll be riding today So look out for those beauties oh yeah On your marks get set go Bicycle race bicycle race bicycle race Bicycle bicycle bicyI want to ride my bicycle Bicycle bicycle bicycle Bicycle race
You say coke I say caine You say John I say Wayne Hot dog I say cool it man I don't wanna be the President of America You say smile I say cheese Cartier I say please Income tax I say Jesus I don't wanna be a candidate For Vietnam or Watergate Cos all I want to do is
Bicycle bicycle bicycle I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle I want to ride my bicycle I want to ride my bike I want to ride my bicycle I want to ride it where I like
Lyrics might seem nonsensical but they actually reflect the pop culture of the era. I just checked it up on wikipedia, and interestingly:
Bicycle Race is a hit single for the English rock band Queen. It was released on their 1978 album Jazz and written by Queen's frontman Freddie Mercury. To release this song, Queen staged a bicycle race with 65 naked girls. A clip from this race was used as the single cover. The video was originally banned, and the video had to be re-edited with colour added to censor out any offensive imagery. The song is famed for its 'bicycle bell solo', which fans would often replicate live at Queen concerts with their own such bells.
Bertrand's gonna be shocked. And that's how MTV was like in those days, funky eh?
I've always thought that I'm ready for change, I'm too bored of routine. Give me change, give me something drastically different, give me something tha totally destroys the status quo. Now that it's happening, I'm not sure at all if I like change. In fact, I find it terrifying.
I have so many choices in front of me, so many things to consider. My future, my own expectations, my mom's expectations, my friends' feelings, scholarships, university admissions, what I want to pursue as a career. At the end of all that, I'm still left with something I'm uncomfortable with, either because I'm not in the course I want, or somehwere where friends are a mile away.
At the beginning of the year, I said, 'Hey! CJ! Why not!' After all, it's not half bad as most make it out to be, and as a Lasallian I see it as a sort of obligaion if I can to help raise the standard, if i get a L1R5 that permits me to go to RJ but still go there. I gave my word to Hansel, even to Francis. Now when the time to make the decision draws near, I find that I cannot commit. And with more people I value going there, I feel I want to go, but other schools can offer more academically.
Then came SJII, I didn't apply for phase 1, a education where kids were chaffeured to school everyday, while I took public transport to school everyday, and study amidst people I've never been too comfortable with, was not my thing. Then, options turned up, phase 2 of the scholarships was open, so I applied. To my surprise, I actually got a scholarship. Sure, I get to go for an IB diploma and take a music course, but I'll be travelling down a route much less travelled, something that I cannot rely on past experience for guidance. I'm the sort who screws up at first, and only get better with experience. I'm not the sort to get everything right or even a modicum of achievement on the first try, when it comes to such gargantuan tasks. Furthermore, even with a 75% scholarship, it places, a big strain on my mom.
Then came VJ, with 8 points, I'm pretty much stuck in the middle, with that sort of score, I'm only guaranteed partial entry into VJC. I thought it's CCA was going to be good compared to SJII, which if I went to again, I'm frankly afraid of pioneering something. Then again, VJC isn't renowned for it's CCA. I get to cycle to VJC every morning for school though! And I did make a deal with Dong we'd go to VJC.
Today, Jeremy talked about RJC. With my prelimnary L1R5 I certainly do not qualify, but thinking about it, I might stand a good change appealing for one of the discretionary places in RJC. Jeremy, being the buddy he is, I just don't and won't ignore his opinion and where he's going. RJC is known for being the institution with the most number of graduates entering Ivy League universities.
I want a bright future, I want a university scholarship, I want a good grounding in morals and spirituality. Most importantly, no matter how people tell me good friends won't influence your choice of JC, I beg to differ. A good friend will not be indifferent to JC choices of his friend. He has to consider it.
So again, I bring up this quote:
Each individual suffers the anguish of indecision until he or she makes a leap of faith and commits to a particular choice. Each person is faced with the responsibility of knowing of his or her own free will and with the fact that a choice, even a wrong choice, must be made in order to live authentically.
So where will I go? Where will I make the leap of faith to? If you guys have got advice for me, do comment. Thanks. I'm literally sitting on the fence on this one. One of those gothic fences with sharp spearheads.
I didn't manage to get take photos during Graduation Day, because of lots of running around, and my mom took the camera home, and I forgot to take it from her. *smacks head* this is the only good one i found on facebook.
so i've graduated, and it's bittersweet. 4 years of an emotional, spiritual, and physical rollercoaster, and it's all ending now.
i'm sad to leave SJI. it's not only been a second home these past four years, but a place that has taught me to be a man, and given me a place to make friends and learn ideals which I'm sure I'll keep for the rest of my life. and a place where the teachers not only teach, but care, inculcate, mentor, and in some cases might even game with you. shining examples of all those who choose teaching as their vocation, not solely a profession. shining examples of people who love. there's a lot i want to say about the people i've met, things i've learnt, and things sji has taught me to pass on, but a short entry won't do, so i'll write a proper one another day. in the meantime:
Okay, so I checked up on what existentialism is on wikipedia, and it's a extremely broad topic. I think existentialism regarding religion can be summarised briefly like that:
If I'm a theist; that is I believe in a deity, and in my case God, I find meaning in life through my relationship with God.
If I'm an existentialist, I believe in existence, and find meaning solely through embracing existence, and it's experiences.
On the other hand, if I'm a Christian existentialist, I might doubt God's existence, but in good faith, choose to believe that God exists. This belief is "a personal choice made on the basis of a passion, of faith, an observation, or experience."
Another thought of existentialism, is that existence precedes essence, that humans seek to define their lives and find purpose in it, after being 'thrust' into existence through no choice of their own, which is a stark contrast to Catholicism where the belief is that every being is God-created, with God-given talents and purposes.
As to whether I'm a theist, existentialist, christian existentialist, i think I'll define that when i'm older. But I'm sure for now, and for the rest of my life, I'm Catholic.
I also found a particular sentence in the wikipedia entry on Christian existentialism,
"Each individual suffers the anguish of indecision until he or she makes a leap of faith and commits to a particular choice. Each person is faced with the responsibility of knowing of his or her own free will and with the fact that a choice, even a wrong choice, must be made in order to live authentically."
I think this video is supposed to be a tongue in cheek song about existentialism. I'm half sure, because I'm not really sure of the meaning of existentialism, but anyway
i got the sjii scholarship, but i'm not sure if i can get 9 points. and there's a dilemma. on one hand i've got a rigorous, challenging course, but with no real cca in sjii. on the other i have mainstream education, with my close friends, and a variety of ccas to choose from, in vj or cj.
either way i'm stepping out of my boundaries, but i know i'll feel more uncomfortable being in very different company. i can't exactly reject the scholarship, now that i've got it. and another problem is getting 9 points, so yeah.
The phrase Halcyon days is a literary commonplace in English language and culture, signifying ideals of prosperity, bonhomie, joy, liberation, or tranquillity
came across the perfect term to describe what's coming after the o levels. anyway i went cycling at about 5.30 on saturday morning, like one of those usual unusual things i do on my own, to gather my thoughts, and just chill.
the morning breeze is exhilirating, and having most of the roads to yourself with hardly any pedestrians or cars is just plain soothing. beats the hustle and bustle anytime man. the lights all seem so vivid. yeah, very relaxing! then when i get back to studying, everything's so easy to absorb. anyway some pictures. pretty disappointed coz they came out blur, but they look quite good anyway.
and that was saturday evening, from my grandpa's window, which he wanted me to capture. i like tampines. bloody stupid name, but very serene at night and in the mornings. don't get me started on rush-hour.
2 comments
metalmöuth.
Saturday, September 8, 2007 @ 1:20 AM
i got the brackets for my braces fitted on today, after delaying it for two years. the brackets didnt hurt, the extraction did. two teeth were extracted today, and i took some painkillers. getting the wires and bindings done next week, so officially i'm a metalmouth now. being at the dentist was pretty much a lot of waiting around, and just lying down like an idiot with my mouth being prised open. not my idea of a typical TGIF afternoon.
which means i can't eats as much. macdonalds was painful, and horfun was an endeavour. yep porridge seems to be on the daily menu. how tantalising.
went cycling yesterday with the church peeps. to east coast and back. i took them on a long detour through the park connector. sorry! went to the f&b side of east coast, cycled back, dorpped by eugene's house for a glass of water. yeah so all in all covered about 25 km, after which we studied at the poolside at denise's condo, at about 3 in the morning? pretty productive though. managed to cover rate of change and integration.
everything around me seems to be falling apart, but this is not an emo post. i went cycling with alastair. my derailleur sucks compared to alice's. for the first half of the ride i was so much more tired out than him. so hey we thought, since he's a canoiest, and i'm in band it works out. but during the second half of the ride from tampines to pasir ris park and back, we switched bikes, and the difference was damn obvious! apparently, the derailleur on my bike doesn't translate the energy as efficiently into motion. so i need to send my bike to the shop tomorrow, change the derailleur, hopefully to shimano (mine's some lousy china shit now), and tighten everything.
second, my guitar intonation is screwed again, and from the 17th fret onwards, any of the bends i do die out before i can do a whole bend. i think guitar connection might have overcharged me. sound sounds all screwy, so i'll have to get it worked out before grad night auditions.
third, my amplifier might be going all screwy. the clean channel changes between mono and stereo by itself. weird. oh, but sweep picking is comign along fine!
fourth, my computer's dying on me. my trusty dell is dying. gives the blue screen of death every single day i use it. i dont know when the operating system will lose itself, start itself up, and say it misplaced the main windows file, thus needing a reformat. it happened to my acer 8 times.
last, i've been to almost 10 bookshops, and not one stocked guitar grimoire. the almight borders had the later two volumes but not the one i need. and the two yamaha shops i visited don't have guitar straps, like wth!
so yes, in short, today, was screwed. night.
2 comments
Tuesday, September 4, 2007 @ 3:13 AM
ian says (3:08 AM): aaron's very attractive ian says (3:08 AM): you didn't know? oily says(3:08am): lol ian says (3:08 AM): i mean like he hogs the limelight la ian says (3:08 AM): literally oily says (3:08 AM): wads with the sucking up ian??? oily says (3:08 AM): LOL oily says (3:08 AM): WTH mat says (3:08 AM): he's not sucking up man... mat says (3:08 AM): he's insulting u.. oily says (3:08 AM): lol ian says (3:09 AM): AHAHA oily says (3:09 AM): i noe!! mat says (3:09 AM): haiz.. mat says (3:09 AM): i guess u cant do anything abt it since its due to genes.. ian says (3:09 AM): AHAHA OILY! oily says (3:09 AM): haha oily says (3:09 AM): i dunt mind the oil=) oily says (3:10 AM): its also the genes im hot... oily says (3:10 AM): hahahhahhahahaha ian says (3:10 AM): heh ian says (3:10 AM): im speechless mat says (3:10 AM): *bangs head on wall
oil reflects light. oil on face catches light. face becomes very, very, very shiny.
2 comments
@ 2:01 AM
God might just have a very cruel and dry sense of humour. Almost British i think.
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forgotten but not gone.
Sunday, September 2, 2007 @ 11:50 PM
consider the following:
"The most deadly poison of our times is indifference." st maximillian kolbe
i think it hits too close to home. for those protesting the sec 4 grad night because its in school, and not a hotel, then the entire 4 years sji has spent inculcating lasallian ideals especially sensitivity to the poor, has sadly failed.
secondly, yes 50 dollars is steep for a dinner held in school, but i guess it's easier for the school and the rest of us to help those who can't afford it.
all i want to do at grad night, is have one last helluva time as josephians with the people ive grown with and come to love. (brotherly love ah!)
i think the location does not matter, as long as i have my friends, good food, and a helluva good time. ray charles couldn't have put it better: "LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL!" (:
jimi hendrix was a genius. i'm posting his rendition of the american national anthemm star spangled banner. this improvisation is iconic of the 60s, and his rendition includes sounds of war, machine guns, explosions. listen and you will know what i mean.
